CHOICES: SARAH PT. II

no. 1) I'm choosing to commit myself more seriously to creative pursuits that bring me joy. The desire to create has been life-long for me. I find a release and a comfort in singing at the top of my lungs, in expressing myself through written word, and in capturing an image with a camera. In the last few years, it's been tough to find room in my life for creativity, but I'm currently choosing to use the gifts I've been blessed with by developing and sharing them. I've lately fallen out of practice and confidence in my voice, which is only way I've ever been able to freely experience and express emotion. It's a release I've denied myself for far too long, and now is the time to reacquaint myself with it. Like singing, writing has consistently been the easiest way for me to logically communicate and process my thoughts. I haven't seriously pursued any sort of writing since my first semester at UNCA, but with this blog I am relearning & exercising a former strength. Photography is another for of expression which I've long wanted to learn, but have always lacked the time or financing to do so. Luckily, I married a photography expert (and with him, I married his camera collection!), and he's graciously begun teaching me technical skills. Using a camera to capture the beauty I see with my eyes every day is a great exercise in living in the present and appreciating the art that exists in the mundane.

no. 2) Fear is a prison that I've lived inside for my entire life. I'm currently finding freedom in forgiveness both by forgiving people who have hurt me, and forgiving myself for what I've done to hurt others. It's a tough (and daily) battle, but one I expect to win. I am so grateful for the beautiful friends and family in my life who patiently offer support while I duke it out with past demons and haunting memories. I will overcome, I will grow, I will give & accept forgiveness freely. I will seek truth and joy above darkness and fear.

no. 3) I'm choosing to not feel confined by definitions of what a 22 year old "should be" by getting comfortable with the strange in between space I live in; being so young but feeling old, carrying the responsibilities of an older person, yet having dreams I'm not ready to give up on. I will own the awkward tension between where my life is and where I (often unrealistically) wish it was. I am choosing to be content with where I currently am on my journey to becoming me, and to live in this present moment rather than constantly concern myself with the next two, five, ten, and twenty years of my life.

no. 4) When I say I'm choosing to curate my life, I suppose I mean that I am deliberately and with design curating the pieces of my life that exhibit me as a whole person. I don't mean curating merely the surface-level appearance of my home or clothing (though I do mean the word in that sense), but more importantly I mean the manner of loving & forgiving that I want to characterize my relationships. I want to intentionally choose to love people in a way that is outrageous & over-the-top with forgiveness and kindness. I fail at this frequently, but I am working to become better with practice. I want to be a friend who helps others curate the best version of themselves, who points others to hope, truth, life and light. I want my home to be a comforting, warm refuge for my friends and family, not only in looks but mainly in feeling. That starts by curating a heart of love & peace towards others. In that way I'll curate beauty first inside and then out.

no. 5) Resting goes hand in hand with fighting fear. To do battle one needs a fresh mind and a full heart. I have to recharge my heart & mind with sleep & rest. I am a chronic over-commiter and a 100% introvert. These two aspects of my life do not combine well. I am choosing to accept my introverted-ness and view rest (which for me is synonymous with alone time) as necessary, not optional.

CHOICES: DANIELLE, PT. II

Our writing topic this month got us both thinking about what choices we would like to actively be making in our lives, and we thought we'd each share a few here. Choices are a bit like instantly gratified goals - once you make a choice, you've won. You've done the hard part. And you just continue making the choice.

These are just a couple things I've been working on lately.

just go to bed. sleep. sleep. sleep.

Too many of my nights turn into early mornings, seemingly without warning. Suddenly it's 1am and I feel like I've got miles to go before finally tossing & turning myself to sleep, fighting clouds of jumbled thought. And I love sleep. It's a blissful third dimension in which nothing goes wrong & our bodies right themselves & our minds work themselves into a bit of clarity - it's magic as far as I'm concerned. Unfortunately, I can always thinks of a million things I need to do before going to bed, or will watch Netflix until I can barely keep my eyes open. Sleep is usually an afterthought, and I'm realizing it needs to be a priority. It's a strange transition, and I feel a little like an old lady when I get in bed before 11, but I'm also loving it. I've been setting aside my laptop & projects earlier, letting go of what didn't get done, and spending my evenings instead focusing on small rituals like journaling, meditating & stretching. 

(I'm loving the headspace app for meditating, by the way.)

Stop at a new coffee shop, restaurant, museum, or shop I haven't been to. Do one of the DIY crafts/projects, or make one of the recipes I've pinned recently. Even if it's something small, it makes me feel great. I get stuck in ruts easily, and pushing myself out of them is difficult. I need little things to shake up days otherwise filled with office work and commuting. I'm finding meeting a goal of doing something new each week to be simple & fulfilling. I keep a running list of things I'd like to do, places I'd like to try - which in turn fulfills my love of lists ;)

This has been a struggle for me for a long long time. In my relationships, I become the caregiver. The memory keeper. The hopeful. I'm the one hanging on. Sometimes you just need to let go. It's okay to leave behind relationships you're no longer being fulfilled by. Sometimes friendships become toxic. Sometimes you just become two different people. Sometimes you can't accept anymore apologies. Sometimes you need to remove yourself from harm's way. And when you do, you can choose to remember the happy parts of those relationships. Because the best part of our relationships is the love that existed at some point in them, and it allows us to remember the happy pieces. It allows us to remember, and we have to allow ourselves the grace to walk away with the memories we're allowed. I'm reminding myself of this daily, and working on strengthening the relationships I have with people I wouldn't want to live without. 

I absolutely love to read. I would rather read a good book in bed all day than do most anything else. The problem is, I binge read. I go weeks at a time with nothing to read, and suddenly I pick up or am gifted several books...And I read one a day until 4 days later, I'm left with my head swimming in plots and characters, and am suddenly, terribly lonely. And then I realize I've neglected my life for a few days, and become too busy once again.

I've always admired the people who are always reading something. I've just never been one of them. I can't fight the urge to finish a book as quickly as possible (there are things one must find out!). But I'd like to give a slower pace a try. I think it'll fit my busy days better, to set aside half an hour or however long I have to just read, daily. I've made a list (one for everything, really) of books I'd like to read, and I'm planning on getting my Raleigh library card next week!

CHOICES: DANIELLE, PT. I

The concept of choice is intriguing to me. I feel like by in large, we think of choices in terms of the large, the life-altering - Will we get married? Are we religious? Do we want kids? Where should we live? What will we do for a living? These are the decisions that keep us up at night, the ones we make pro/con lists for, and we tend to measure our success by our correct choices.
While certainly these are important & defining of who we are, what interests me more are the small, everyday choices we make & witness others making. What will we read? How will we spend our free time? How do we take our coffee? How do we respond to a compliment? To a judgement? Do we wake up early or battle our alarms? Do we go out of our way for our friends? For strangers?
These little choices can be more telling of who we are than their larger counterparts. We make them with little to no hesitation - they're less calculated, more real. It's these small things that I find myself loving others for. And they don't even realize they're doing it. When I consider why I love the people I do, I see the image I have in my mind that they themselves built accidentally. It's an image of familiarity they've solidified with small choices they make over and over again. That he smiles at babies in public & makes them laugh. That she always points out the possible silver lining. That he sleeps on that particular side of the bed, the one opposite the side I secretly prefer. That he always over tips the bartender. That she withholds judgement when I tell my latest What The Hell Was I Thinking story. That I never have to question her honesty.
To everyone we know, we are a compilation of the choices we make daily. When we realize this, it should be empowering rather than daunting. Sometimes the decisions we make are just the wrong ones. Sometimes certain responsibilities restrict our choices, and it feels like we don't have much control at all. But we do. We have control over all the little choices, the ones others love us for & that we should love ourselves for.
Lately I've been feeling as though my life is going on without my having much of a say in the matter. One of those..I'm twenty-three & suddenly working in a career I never had any intention of pursuing & I've been single long enough to consider the best way to go about collecting cats..one of those times. So I've been focusing on who I want to be right now, and the ways I can make that a reality. The immediacy of all the tiny, tangible choices I can make is strengthening & gratifying. And maybe when we accept responsibility for the small choices, those life-altering ones will fall into place a bit easier.

CHOICES: SARAH, PT. I

from Oh So Beautiful Paper

Choices are how (we think) we are navigating our little ships through the vast ocean that is our lives. On that journey, choices mostly help us learn and grow. Whether right or wrong, choices made shape the way we approach future decisions. As a young person (and a person, period), there is an exaggerated emphasis placed on the importance of major life choices: where I go to college, if I go to college, what major I pursue, which relationship I end, which one I keep, where I settle down to live, where I work. I remember vividly how at age 17 choosing a college literally kept me up nights. After all that fretting, it turned out I made a decision that, seeming wise at the time, was actually pretty terrible for me. The path of decisions I began making with that choice resulted in me hitting rock bottom & getting pregnant at 19. I learned countless lessons on the way down, that, clichés aside, I would not give up for anything. I learned that making the wrong choice can end not in despair and hopelessness, but in making a better choice. I chose to accept forgiveness, to take responsibility, to grow, to learn from it, to change, to hope. Better yet, I chose to make peace with the past and move forward. Now I'm 22 and carrying weighty life baggage. Does all that experience make choices easier? In a sense, yes, as it's given me a healthy dose of perspective. Looking back from the end of that story, I've begun to believe that either way a decision turns out, it will eventually be an edifying experience, even if I need years of space to realize exactly how.

What's your philosophy on choices?